Seen, noticed, experienced and endured; I seem to believe now that when it comes to self-assessments we tend to turn towards the worst critiques. Why is it that when it is to make important decisions in life, when one needs to be the strongest, the most speculative recapitulations stare us in the eye like medusa’s glare? And every tiniest speck of self-confidence and assurance of one’s ability is drunk by the dementoric nature of ones ego.
I remember saying to one of the very dear friend, “I know I am right, but why is it so difficult to have belief in self. Why do I keep looking for re-assurances? Am I that in secured”? What changes when an ever laughing creature turns into a hardly ever laughing creature? This is not grave; perturbing is when every one notices except the creature himself/herself. The irreparable damage is done long before even the damage control mechanism is initiated.
There is point when we doubt all the significant and insignificant decisions made; and compare the scenarios when a few of them turned out to be appreciated by all. What made those few different from the others?
Am I being a dolt, if I say today that am scared of moving from my position today; because I don’t know where I might just land? After being what is called fiercely independent, now if I want someone to told my hand and take me through this. Because now after long stare into medusa’s eye I think it has made me unsighted. Now this darkness is scary, it isn’t soothing any more. It is like a huge black hole, trying to suck everything. This glare scares me, will I be recovered?
“The light of memory, or rather the light that memory lends to things, is the palest light of all. . . . I am not quite sure whether I am dreaming or remembering, whether I have lived my life or dreamed it. Just as dreams do, memory makes me profoundly aware of the unreality, the evanescence of the world, a fleeting image in the moving water. “
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